i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
