He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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