I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize