...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
