my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
i am craving dick and cupcakes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
