ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
