So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize