I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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