I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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