allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
