he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
