I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
