Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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