I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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