She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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