my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
