Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
