i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't deserve a penis
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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