it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So here I am, sexting at work.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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