walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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