what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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