Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
