the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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