she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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