i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
