i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
