watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
