walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize