If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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