Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
