Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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