last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
