No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
