I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Vodka?
Forever.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
