You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
