I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
