he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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