Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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