I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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