Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
