remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
