Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
