How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
zippers are such a cool invention
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
