Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We need a shit load of segways right now
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
