Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
