The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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