a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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