I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize