Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
