I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize