Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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