Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
