I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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