hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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