***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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