My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
