Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
