i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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