Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
