Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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