I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
